Unable to connect with people one on one... feel so alone?

I'm starting therapy soon and I wrote a few things out to discuss with my therapist. Can you guys read this and tell me what you think is my problem.


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I believe medication is helpful and necessary, but I also need to change the way I think. I feel like it's almost impossible for me to truly connect with another person one on one. I'm constantly being distracted by bad thinking patterns that makes a conversation so akward and umcomfortable feeling that I simply hate doing it and try to avoid it at all costs. It's a feeling that leaves me confused, sad, lonely, and hopeless. I'm miserable being alone and I'm just as miserable trying to live life with this weird behavior. I'm looking for some ideas on how to change this and improve my confidence, which is pretty much in the ground right now. I want people to see my true personality and start enjoying life without constant worrying. Here are two examples of my behavior:





Talking to someone one on one:





When someone looks into my eyes for more than a few seconds it triggers a nervous reaction. It becomes impossible to relax and focus on what the person is saying. I'm so worried about how I look and if I'm making enough/too little eye contact that the actual conversation becomes the side issue and I really could care less about what that person is saying and any enjoyment is lost because I'm so scared they will notice something weird, that I try extra hard not to seem weird. This thought process/nervous habit/confidence problem is stuck in the back of my mind and I can't get rid of it. I even have this problem with parents and sisters.





Non verbal situations.. IE: Walking past someone in a grocery store:





Another example of this problem is when I'm in a grocery store and passing people in an aisle. When I do make eye contact with people passing by I tense up and feel the need to look away and when I just look straight ahead I worry about people looking at me and seeing a weird or mean looking facial expression on me and making a bad assumption about me.





The only time I feel comfortable talking with people is for short periods of time or while they are distracted. IE: Someone asking me a question that can be answered pretty quickly; A cashier at a store talks with me while she rings up the groceries. Her attention isn't 100 percent on me, so I feel safer and more relaxed. I think deep down I have some major confidence issues and it comes out when making eye contact with people. I don't want people to look into my eyes and see my soul. I don't believe I'm worthy enough to look someone in the eye.








Even when I was doing really well (1998-2001) through medication and therapy, I still couldn't go on dates or have any meaningfull one on one relations outside of a group setting because of this problem.Unable to connect with people one on one... feel so alone?
I understand everything you said. I have a minor form of this anxiety. I have Selective Mutism and that causes me to tense up whenever anyone expects me to say something. I never know what to say and I'm worried that I will sound stupid. I also have the same problem with making eye contact. I will be talking to someone and if they make eye contact for too long while we are talking then that's all I can pay attention to and I don't really care about what they are saying. I try to pay attention so that I don't seem rude but then I find myself looking at the floor. I found something that kind of works for me though. When I get nervous like that, instead of looking in their eyes, look at their nose. Or right between their eyes or something like that, something that is comfortable for you but doesn't make it look like you are weird or something. I've almost overcome this fear also because of my recent state of mind. I have a boyfriend right now that can be really outgoing and has no social fears. I wish I was like that! But whenever I am put in a social situation I am always with him so when there are those awkward pauses he's always there to just say something. I learned through experiences with him that it's not the end of the world if you embarrass yourself. The best thing to do is to laugh at yourself. I know you probably heard it a million times and I would hate it when people told me that but I finally found out that it is true. I also experience the problem you explained in the grocery store. I think a good way to start to get over that is, when you are walking past someone, just quickly glance at them and say hello. It's just a casual thing and it's totally normal and no one will think anything of it. Plus then you wouldn't have to worry if they were looking at you or not because you would be looking at them. I used to be a really shy person and I wouldn't talk to people. My boyfriend told me that when we were in High School he wanted to get my attention but he said that he was intimidated by my silence. He said that when I wouldn't say much after he talked to me he thought that I wasn't interested in him when in fact I was. Since I've been with him I've had a really big confidence boost and I am even able to be somewhat outgoing. Now I don't even have to have him with me anymore to talk to people, but often I prefer that he is. All you have to do is just be outgoing first. When you talk to people and you don't want to seem shy or weird then just look them right back in the eyes. I know that it's hard but just remember that, to them, it's totally normal. It seems really weird to just stare someone right in the eyes but they will think nothing of it. A really good example is if you are talking with a bunch of people and you say something that was embarrassing you feel HORRIBLE. You feel like you just want to kill yourself right there because it was so embarrassing. But to the other people they might just think that it was just a little weird or they might feel embarrassed for you. I can almost ALWAYS guarantee that, by the end of the day, no one will remember it but you. It's ok to make mistakes sometimes. My boyfriend has had an unbelievable amount of embarrassing moments around large groups of people. I see it happening and it seems like he doesn't even care. He makes it look like it didn't mean anything to him and he recovers every time. Later, though, he tells me that that was so embarrassing and it was so uncomfortable. Something that I had to work on was to not let it show. And, believe it or not, a lot more people than you think have the exact same problem as you and me. It's not a rare thing and that's another thing you have to realize to overcome this problem. Well...it's not really a problem...I wouldn't call it a problem...more like a wall that you need to learn how to climb over. Everything we come across in life can be changed, whether we are told it can or not. You've heard these stories about people with Cancer, right? The people who are diagnosed with it and are told that they will not live any longer than a couple months, but then live on for YEARS in somewhat good health? All you have to do is KNOW that you can climb over this obstacle and you HAVE to be determined. No one can solve this for you, like medication or a shrink, they only help. It's YOU that has to decide whether you are going to make it or not. You have to really want it, and I believe that you do. Just remember that you're not alone. If you would like to talk to me my email is kylie_renea@yahoo.com I would be happy to talk to you more about this or anything else you want to talk about.Unable to connect with people one on one... feel so alone?
You sound very self-aware and that is a great thing when going to therapy. These are good issues to bring up with your counselor. They will take time to adjust but it can be done. Try your local bookstore for self-help books relating to cognitive therapy- there are great books out there that can help with the negative thinking and over-thinking issue you bring up. You also are dealing with a lot of self-consciousness. Try to remember it isn't ALL about you. Each person you see has their own little self-conversation going on in their head and you would be amazed at how little they are dissecting your every move, word and expression. Most people are going to take you at face value- they will assume that if you are actly kindly and speaking respectfully then that's what kind of person you are- they will not be searching for hidden flaws or meanings. No one really has time or interest in nitpicking. Let it go.
It sounds like you are well aware of your feelings at these moments, which will help you to monitor progress you make in therapy. Good work already.





It sounds like you have extreme self-consciousness. Speaking from a perspective of not having these feelings, I can tell you that no one is really noticing your facial expression or caring about it. The vast majority of people focus on themselves and only notice other people for about one second. And in that time, are not really observing them. Then forget they ever saw, or talked to the person.





Anyway, good luck in your therapy!